Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Obama is Elected, and I Tell the Tuna Eater How It Is

As we all know by now, the next president will be Mr. Barack Obama

Be the change you wish to see in the world!

I was doing the usual election thing, you know.  For me this involves:
1). drinking lots of tea
2). giving states the thumbs-up or -down, as though I am a Roman Emperor
3). watching Jon Stewart and his cohorts

For about an hour the tea pot and I were alone in the living room, flipping between networks to examine the differently colored states on the various maps.  The tv was silent: I put it on mute because I just couldn't handle the newscasters voices anymore.  I was giving the thumbs-up and thumbs-down like it was my job, doing mathematics in my head like the rockstar I am.  The other residents of the house were occasionally dropping by to marvel at democracy in action.  

Somebody attempted to take the tv remote from me.  
My reply: "No.  Not today."

After it was announced that McCain conceded the election and he came out to speak to the assembled crowd, the Tuna Eater started.  (The Tuna Eater watches anything.  He'd watch static if it were showing.)  

First of all, we had to define the word concede for him.  

Then, as he did every time anything remotely red-state-ish was going on, started blabbering about stupid rednecks.  Every other day/time this happened, I would leave and make a cup of tea to forestall any face-punching.  This time though, I just couldn't deal with it.  And yes, I actually did use the word dis - it's in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Me: Tuna Eater.  Stop.

Tuna Eater: Why?  They're just stupid rednecks who...

Me: Stop.

Tuna Eater: (starts mumbling something else about rednecks, as though I'm unfamiliar with the stereotypes)

Me: Stop talking.  You are dissing my home part of the country, some of my friends and family.

Tuna Eater: (keeps trying to talk about stupid American rednecks, guns and Bibles and whatever, not realizing exactly what he's dealing with)

Me:  You have no idea what you are talking about.  I can dis as much as I want because I'm American.  You are not American, therefore you cannot dis.  You do and I will take you outside and punch you in the face.  Right now.  I am not even joking.  So stop talking.

Tuna Eater's mouth opens and closes, no sound emerging, he is clearly stunned.

Through his nictating membrane of monosyllabic stupidity, he could see the lazer-bright truth of a possibly imminent face-punching and was silent.  At that moment I was completely a Western Pennsylvania American.


Mum said...

It is good to see you defended your family and friends in true "red neck style!"

Ynn said...

Your father would be so proud, as would Frank. Personally, I couldn't understand why everyone got so upset when Murtha said that WesternPA was populated by rednecks and racists. If the shoe fits...not all of us, of course, but there are a number of both in this area. I also am rejoicing at Barak's victory although I am aware there are many of our families and friends that won't be. But, If I had to listen to Sarah Palin's voice for 4 years, I'd move to Canada! I'm at M&L's doing "grandma duty" which involves being up at night when Gllian won't sleep, but also involves much cuddling. Jess, they are beautiful. We can't wait for them to meet Jessie. Enjoy the moment and I've got a lovely mental picture of you dis-sing the Tuna-eater.

DPLK said...

Do you really call him tuna eater to his face? that would be awesome...haha.

Seeing as though he comes from a culture of rural rowdy drunkards who believe in little faeries, and have little green men that hoard treasure, he's certainly not one who should be complaining about other people's cultures

I'd add threats of ball-pulverizing and eye-gouging.


Anonymous said...

I found your story extremely funny. I'm glad to see your true Western Pennsylvanian coming though. At least he got the hint to stop talking before you had to hurt him.

AKA little/cooler (taller) brother